Entry for December 30, 2006 I am changing!!

In the face of a sea of change i look at my life in a mirror and i look like a fool. O well it sure has a been one hell of a time and i am would not have done any thing different. Now i am heading in a new direction and a new path.

As i sit here on the verge of 30 with 30 million miles behind me. Wow I been to sea and the gulf I lived though the death of a lover, Of a best friend, I dealt with coming out And 10 failed relationships. Many friends and family turning there back on me and i was left in the street on Christmas eve (no not this one) . And i Have survived!!! I survived to carry on what other were unable to. To love it all and take it all in stride.

To Gary (and all the true romantics out there) love is all we got one love. when we wake up in the morning when we fall asleep at night no that no matter what happened in your lives before we met it does not matter now because for our love is the only one that I hold dear.

Entry for December 21, 2006 happy solstice

there comes a time when we look at the past and ask our selves where has it gone.

A very dear friend turned 30 today. Wow i new him when he was 21. 9 years of of pain and love and life lived. getting up and going to a peace of shit job having a lover that lied and having bled for the right to say he was gay. the road is a long one and more then a few times friends around (me included) thought we would never see this day. No longer the student now the teacher u look back on the past and see your transgressions (as art likes to say).

In an information age where ever things moves at blazing speed i find it very hard to stop and smell the roses!! Time to be alone is not possable with cell phones and gps tracking. with made to order camera that fit on your finger tip. when the government see to it more important to spy on gay citizens then tracking ones that can kill there kids. And lay wait to a world of broken dreams.

It is said u can not buy happiness. No i suppose not but making good money does make me happy, and the ones are happy around me happy too. The reason we are not happy because we are forced to make scarifies between a house and car, there by requiring sycophantic drugs giving us a faults sens of drug induced happiness.

Change is good. but when to much change happens it can destroy ones house of cards. Been more then a year that i been in this neither world and yet i am just realizing how much the words do to me "eye of the storm", "hurricane forcast". When the wind picks up remembering the fear of getting blown away. let my car go just could not see it and not thinking of the day that my house of cards fell and my life started over.

He snores, he is a game show nut, he loves so deep, He is complete selfless and he has a twinkle that will lite up the entire room. His smile is infectious. His laugh comes from deep with in beneath the pain of a loneliness. he is mine, he is his own again. But god what a high price i have paid and god how much he lost out on. Life begins and love is enduring during the counting days towards the merging of 2 lives.