Entry for April 04, 2006

I just got done watching Elphant. A fition based on Columbine High School "massacre". the feelings that led to Columbine have never been address by the main streamUS press.

There was 10,000 warning signs. these kids were picked on all the time, ever day going to school with a larger chip on there shoulder, with no mouth peice, no out let for these emotions.

I have been abused by my class mates.I am a surviver of bulling from a very young age. It has been years sents i have been in school. comming up on 10 years next year. The pain and the torment still survive with in me. the wanting some to not just brush it off as "kids will be kids" the mentality of theUS population. It is in no right justified for some one to go in to the school and shoot it up, but we must also never forget why they did it, What that feeling is like. Having 900 classmates and being so alone.

Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were not only muders they were also vitims of a system that has gay youthdoes not have enough GSA's and that has accepted bullying as "part of growing up?" When will we learn any thing from this it has been nearly 7 years sents and only thing that hs changed is security in school now u are a caged animal. There is current 12 states will legisation that would limit or outright ban Gay-Straight Alliance . That is uneceptable.

If i understand what the legilaters are saying is that u are not gay untill u are 18 And that gay youth can some how change by not talking about sexual orintaion or is it they can not vote so there opinions are not valid.

As a 27 yo out gay male I stand up to though right wing crazy ppl. I call my congress man/woman and i e-mail him/her weekly if not daily on this issue, We as a county must not forget that the scars that are made during school will last for a life time.

Entry for 2/28/06 You never now who you have met

Hello all,

8 years ago in the fall of 1998, I met a man by the name of mad dog, He was a street wise thug from NYC, We became fast friends, and I became his roomate as well as a good friend soon after.He seem to know everone in the south florida area. he got me in to all the clubs ( i was still under 21 at the time). He was soft spoken and very comfortable with him self. he was half portician, half cuban. And gay.

Mad dog had crazy tatoos all over his body, one tat Stood out it to mewas smiley face on his right peckwith the words Elizabeth below it. I had asked him what was the Significancesof it.He said to me "o that is my ex husbans name".

I was completely confussed and was like "What??" hethen explained his lover had decided to go from m to f. (for thoughs of you that do notknow whatthat meansshe was transitioning from manto woman through hormans and evetually surgery.) And that elizabeth was to be comming down for a vist in a few weeks.

A few weeks later I am standing in an airport terminal next to mad dog. he is holding flowers in his hand. And out walks the most butiful woman i have ever seen. she had corse hair tied back and her face was smooth,color of coffee, and she had a very broad chin. I nearly passed out when she and mad dog ran toword each other in the terminal. How could this be I had always seen tranie (a drogatory comment to trans ppl) in the bars look horriable with a 5 o'clock shadow.

she was just stunning. On the car ride from the airport back to the house I was completly charmed and inthrald with her personality and presents. I asked ever question imagineble. Sh answed ever question, with a direct, straight fwd answer.

For a few nights we sat up talking while mad dog was at work. I really begane to see that she was so unique.

She explain to me that she was still able to preform as a man. She was very early in here transition, Her breast where not really showing yet. She told me about her real pation which was the ballroom seen in NYC. http://www.infinitipower.com/ballerina/

She left i thought wow she is really going to be something like a star. Well that is exactly what she became She is has become one of the most seasoned performers in the ballroom sceen.

She is now the mother of the house of latex. You go girl!!

Entry for February 24, 2006

As i am looking at my life i see it through a very small window under the stairs, I watch as pain turns in to triumph that turns to tragedy in an instant. MY heart often worn on my sleeve as a badge of honor sits around my neck next to my freedom rings. What i am looking for and what i need is not that hard to follow not that hard to understand

it is not buried under 10,000 layers of shit and yes there has been pain but i have learned that with out pain there is no love (think child birth). When i leave i want to leave behind more then just a name, but a space to be filled by a new born queen, I want to be remember for hope, passion, saying what ever the fuck u want to say , Iwill be remember for but a few things that i am not sure of yet.

I am political because i am passionate, I am loving cuz i am a lover. I am pain for what its worth.

I see daily struggle and so many that have grown so much around me in the past week that i means that soon i will become yet another queen at the bar not the boy toy not yet the troll,

I have found passion is not dead and chivalry as once said "aint for gays honey" Pain is not my only rain at the moment is raining men. shaheed as reinvigorated this tired old queen in to a butter cup of LATE 20 SOMETHING.

Mr. Boston as made a return and so has sleeping till 3.

On wensday of next week febuary 1st mikey will be here next to me for a week,

This is not any normal ordinary relationship, we have went years with out speaking and we have went years where we never missed a day with out talking...... (see perviouse blog on how we orginaly met)

When did it get to be 8 years. How is that possable??Many Many ppl have come and gone been a shootingstar with a white hot heat that burned me in the end yet he is still standing therein the back round,how does life passso quickly with out you I might have lost the my mind and self a few times, thanx mikey.

When did i relized he still loved me in that way, Last summer when he said thankyou for u leting me be me.... Is it possable that I had over looked u all thistime. I am sorry u moved fwd and so did i but I guess u where always were looking to the side to see me there also.

Thanx.......

Entry for January 19, 2006 Sexual Ambiguity

Ok I am sick and tired of guys that do not declare when asked "what team they play for". Sexual orintation is not like changing your sox or like what color underware u have on.

It is your identy. by not delcaring it or by leaving it up in the air is doing a great disservice to the gay brothers and sister that have came before us, that have died for thequeer cival rights, the ones that are stilldieing in places likeIran.We as gaymen and woman must set an example to thoughs gay kids that need postive role models.

If u are alufe then your boss he/she can still say "I do not know any gay ppl" then your congress man can say"i do nto have gay constituans". your friend can make gay jokes. By not bringing your sexuality in to the open u are implying that u are doing something wrong.

We can not ask for marriage or nondisctimation laws that keep you from losing your job, your apt, or your health care untill we stand up and say "I am gay" or " i am bisexual"

So the next time time some one asks u what team do u play for. Tell them "I play for the homo team honey" Or the next time some one ask you do u have a girl friend, tell them "I have not found the right guy yet" or to women when some one says you need to finda man tell them "as long as she has nice tits and ass"

Stand up This is 2006 not 1986 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE LOVE

Entry for January 16, 2006 A FEW THOUGHTS

Every day I start with a reason to call you to say hello, to say I miss you, that I am sorry, that I need you and ever night I have made at least 3 excuses why I did not. What is wrong with me for not calling and telling you are my one true love? We have known each other for 9 years now.

I have known you the longest of any of my friends or ex's There was years that went by we did not miss a day with out speaking. Now it has been what 5 months, no more like 6 months. I miss youso muchit hurts in side yet inevitable I can not thing of a damn thing to say when I call so I let you ramble for an hour.Is that why you very really call me cuz u think I have nothing to say any more, have we gotten to the point in the friendship that we have nothing left to say. Is it that u do not trust meenough to shear yourdeepest darkest desires. How is it that 5 years I put your ring on your finger, and now I do not even get a call fromyou on our otherholiday x-mass?

My friends say fuck it he does not want to be your friend he isin his own world now. Well I want to be part of your world even just fora min, I was happiest living on nothing in w-s.Or prov at pride when u took yourshirt with your pink hair and ever one was looking at us in front of the world.

The chances ofmebeing your loverare like a million to none. I do not disserve. What I do disserve is closer

I miss you..............

Entry for January 11, 2006 brokeback mountain has changed my life

Tonight I saw it, I went about it in the most non trutional way i have ever gone to the movies. Looking at nooutlines and no plot line, I did not read the book or download the movie first. I had a complete open mind.

First let me say the visual aspects of it are unbeleiveable, the mountains, the trees the land scape of what i have been told is breath taking montana. I drove through there twice. 1st time there was way to much snow ( a blizard) 2nd time it was mostly night time.

Now on to the movie If u want to know who i am or what i stand for or what i belive in everday of my life u need to see this movie. If u belive in love, hope joy, lose and saddness are a natual part of life u need to see this movie. If u are gay, bi, or god forbid breeder u need to see this movie. Companionship can be learned and love is eternal.The love we share nowwill out live us.

thanx for stopping by

laterz

Entry for January 10, 2006 sleeping alone again

You know what i miss most about being in a realtionship besides the companenship??? is sleeping in bed with someone, feeling there warm body next to mind, how there body leave an impresion on the bed, How u can listen to their breath indead of night,How if u wake in the night with a bad dream "as i offten do" haveing them to be there to cuddle put me back in to a loving setting and put the coversback over me. I am not a cuddler but I guess i have always sleeped better when there is someone in my bed to cuddle with if i wanted to.

I never remember a time when that matter something to me untill now. guess i am growing older!!

Entry for January 09, 2006 an other month

HELLO ALL,

What if one day u woke up and ever thing u believed about life and everything in it had changed..... Well that did not happen to me today this post is about that day.

I have learned many things scents my last blog, friends are bothforever and forever changing,

That after 7 years friends can rekindle something that both had forgotten, or maybe did not want to remember the raw emotion.

Ok with mikey's permission I post this story.....

On a nice warm December night in west palm beach in 1998. I was invited to a get together a few friends where throwing. I had just moved to the west palm area 3 months really and new very few ppl. I was depressed and really looking for a man. The type of man that takes u off your feet, someone with a warm soul and a warm ass too LOL.Always up for any adventure I said torob lets go!!!

We arrived just after dark and this "party" turnedout to be just agay couple that invited us (Jeremy and we don't remember the b/f's name) me and my friend rob(we were sort of dating in his mind however,he wasHIV Positiveand there for all I wanted was to be friends, he might have been in the mob too but that is another story for another day.) ..... I said to Jeremy the host of the party "where the ppl man and they are like so and so called said he is not coming and so on and so on and blahhh....and I was like o great party man where is the boos. "

So we drank for like an hour or 2..... At this point there is a weird noise out side the Jeremy's b/f goes to check it out. I am just in my beer thinking this is a terrible "party". ..... The his b/f comes in says o it is their friend "moped mike". I did not even bother to look up just was like yeah..... I am looking down and I see a hand in front of me with my eyes I follow that arm up to an arm and then boooooooooooooooooooooooooooom I saw his eyes....

My whole perception of time slowed to a crawl me thinking "omfg look at his eyes" I was like shocked my lighting, he made me qwiver with ever inch my body AND that is saying a lot cuzall the time I am just like "o look new ppl".

I am not sure of my first word to him...... all I know was here is this tanned 6' 145 blonde hair blue eyed bomb shell like out of a Euro porn standing in front of me. It took my breath away like when u see a guys head get cut off in a slasher film. He was wherein a cowboy hat, cowboy boots flannel shirt and smelled awesome (gravity cologne). He was wearing sexy coke bottle glasses. He looked so sexy I new I Had to get with him, to be with him, to be in him, I felt like an animal inside.

I was cool about it for the most part I shook his hand I sat back on the couch. And plotted my next move,after drinking a while Jeremy and is b/f began to fight. Over some damn thing. It actual offered the perfect opportunity for me to say to mike and (supposed b/f) rob to go back to the place rob and I were living to get away from the drama.

Some how another guy came with us he was mid to late 50's his name was jayhe worked at circle k therefor everyone called him "circle j". So anyway the 4 of us pile in to rob’s crapy car and drive 20 mins toour place.

We get there and we are all listing to music and chilling and rob says "we need more beer" (you can buy beer at any circle k at 3 am in west palm). To my self I am like yessssss he is my opportunity to get to know mike better.... I tell him great I need to stay behind cuz I feel sick, he just looked at mike and mike said o I think I am going to stay to make sure he is going to be ok. So there we are circle j me and mike..... We have 10 to 15 mins tops and I DO NOT WANT CIRCLE K AT ALL!! So I just forget as ifj is in the room, I say to mike u are really hot he blushes, I know I am in then!!!

Did I mention I am really wasted at this point? So I say to mike "what are u packing" I start rubbing his package and he does what I find to be the fucking hottes thing he pulls the head out over his jeans. So with out ever thinking I am going to get a second chance I just go down on what I can get ....... it was so sweet so hot and he was so cute..... Why wouldn't I???

It was maybe a min in to it and freekin hear the door close I freak out bold across the room and just that time rob walks in with the beer not knowing anything has happened....LOL (AND for the record I don't think he ever did)

So robs come back We stay up talking and drinking till late, late I retire to the bedroom I fall asleep Around 5 am sun isjust risingand mikey is passed out on the couch ...... We all wake about 2 pm. Mikey has to be at work at 3 so rob rushes me out to get his moped that is still at Jeremy's house.......... As he leaves he gives me a huge hugg and a kiss on the cheak and he says "I will see you soon" I sware I melted in a pool on the floor.....

I talked to him ever chance i could I had to hide it from rob but that was not that hard he was not the sharpest bulb on the tree

3 weeks to the day. On new years day 1999 I went to a pay phone at the end of the block called mikey and said "mikey......I want to be with you"

his response was "so do I"

We talked about how hard the last 3 weeks been on each other and how much the other wanted to say that Then he asked his mom to come pick me up.

I new that if i went back to get anything it was going to be bad ass fight and I have a hott temper and was still on probation at the time. so instead i said "fuck it is all matarial possestions". left ever thing at robs and got in to the car with mikey and his mom and drove off.............

ok so that is my mikey story part 1, I Was well aware this was the begining of some thing special but I never imagined that after this long we would still have the same spark ever time are eyes meet...........

Entry for December 03, 2005 has it been that long

ok i just realized it had been 2 weeks sent i wrote anything. Ok first i started a job..... i know right i just got to maryland and now have a job.

I am working seasonal (for horrible pay) at borders in Columbia. how the hell am i supposed to push a 60 dollar book when i make less that in a 9 hour shift. what the fucks up with that... the people that work there are pretty cool but also very clicky. Season is when they all get a little testy and i some times feel like they long for the days of spring or fall and it is very slow.

ok well Art is again going in to surgery (see his blog for info). This one is going to be a very large one on the 7th of DEC yes this wednesday.

the real reson I am writing tonight is i am worried about the direction of my life. Tonight i had to walk IN THE SNOW home. frist why should i be walking I have a car(reson below) and 2 why am i out at night(reson below)

the reson i have a car i can not drive is the windshield is fucked up because i spent the money i should have spent on insurance and reg and on getting it fixed on shit like "inner light" Adams bull shit business and rent on a place that was way to expensive. and now i will make enough money.In the entire run of their job (ends Jan 21ish) to get it fixed and back on the road

the other reson is because i am so damn hard headed that i would except day job cuz i do not like waking up at 4 am. so instead i work till 11pm.

so far i have not learned that many lessons from my past

Is thatI am just hard headed or is there something that is going to happen in the next 6 months that i say o yeah that why i been waiting around........ well a hundred ppl asked me what u going to do after January andI have no answers and no direction at all Not any clue at allI want to open a towing company or a light duty company(ie lock outs, jump starts, tire changes) .

I know one thing i can say about the lessons learned in Florida I can be very self sufficient. I hate preferto have some one to lean on and i want some one to lean on me also.

I guess only time will tell ...........