Entry for December 03, 2005 has it been that long

ok i just realized it had been 2 weeks sent i wrote anything. Ok first i started a job..... i know right i just got to maryland and now have a job.

I am working seasonal (for horrible pay) at borders in Columbia. how the hell am i supposed to push a 60 dollar book when i make less that in a 9 hour shift. what the fucks up with that... the people that work there are pretty cool but also very clicky. Season is when they all get a little testy and i some times feel like they long for the days of spring or fall and it is very slow.

ok well Art is again going in to surgery (see his blog for info). This one is going to be a very large one on the 7th of DEC yes this wednesday.

the real reson I am writing tonight is i am worried about the direction of my life. Tonight i had to walk IN THE SNOW home. frist why should i be walking I have a car(reson below) and 2 why am i out at night(reson below)

the reson i have a car i can not drive is the windshield is fucked up because i spent the money i should have spent on insurance and reg and on getting it fixed on shit like "inner light" Adams bull shit business and rent on a place that was way to expensive. and now i will make enough money.In the entire run of their job (ends Jan 21ish) to get it fixed and back on the road

the other reson is because i am so damn hard headed that i would except day job cuz i do not like waking up at 4 am. so instead i work till 11pm.

so far i have not learned that many lessons from my past

Is thatI am just hard headed or is there something that is going to happen in the next 6 months that i say o yeah that why i been waiting around........ well a hundred ppl asked me what u going to do after January andI have no answers and no direction at all Not any clue at allI want to open a towing company or a light duty company(ie lock outs, jump starts, tire changes) .

I know one thing i can say about the lessons learned in Florida I can be very self sufficient. I hate preferto have some one to lean on and i want some one to lean on me also.

I guess only time will tell ...........

Entry for November 13, 2005 well umm ok

It is 12:28am on monday morning. I am sitting on the couch at kimbles house typing on the lap top. And I am feeling so out of place. I belive that for the frist time I am contemplating that I am getting older. So why is this well it is becuz I feel less attracktive I got the first of what i fear is many "your too old" on aim today. Also kimble finds me less disirable. When I question whyhe and I have only had sex 2 times in 3 days. ( we normaly had sex 6-9 times in that same period) he said it was cuz i did not take a shower today. umm I was not born yesterday come on!!!

ok now I made a movie. Yeah people may say it is just crazy to have sex on tape. well screwyou people you don't now how good it feels when you see it brings joy to other people. I look good in it and mabey if u ask nice I will send you a copy.

today Kimble and I went to the Local FYE store and he spent 300.oo dollars on cd's his ex had stolen from him. Why buy when u can download then burn........... I have no idea. More then that He was mad saying he had got nothing in return and just gave and gave..... I was like no I know why you care for these drug addicted kids you want better for them and just remember what goes around comes around.

So now i am still left with the question what do u do when u get older and u are gay.

peace out

Entry for November 12, 2005 I have this dream over and over again

I just finished watching Later Days. just the best fucking gay movie ever......

i have this dream i am laying on the side walk mabey. I can not see what is going on but i can feel my chest is exposed to the cold air. there is a voice of am e.m.t. he is saying very clearly and with no panic, "Clear", I begin to feel calm. My mind is at easy yet my heart does not start. I am still submersed in darkness. I hear the flat line sound on the heart monitor. Stillin the darkness.Yet there is no sents of urgency to wake up. I do not feel like getting up i am fine lying there on the sidewalk. A few moments go by there is a peaceful quiet. I hear gain the same words Clear this time i feel my body jump. Yet i do not come out of the darkness.

I hear some one begin to cry. I begin to wonder is this a male or female cry. the voice says "he is gone there is nothing we can do" At that exact moment ever thing goes white i am parlized by the light but more in a wow that was cool kind of way. then the light gets father and farther from me I can see it as if it where a circle of light. when it get to a tiny dot A door opens right in front of me.

I amat one end of a long galley type place. think titanic. On the other end some one is walking to me then it is 2people then 3people all together. they are close by there body lauage. they been friends for ever true family. I am getting warmer as they aproch.At an instand there he is jeff in long flowing red hair. next to him is my best stick figure friend rob.Rob has a smoke in his hand of course. he was a chain smoker......... and the third never materlize he is just super hott white light full of so much good fucking feeling. I have in the past thought this asmy spirt guide. other times i think this is arts spot..... please don't take him yet. but who ever it is i just cry when i see that person......... i begine to run toword them and theyto me. wehug allfour of us and they say in unison "u have done well u are safe now rest, rest, rest".............. i cry and cry most of the time wake up crying..............

Entry for November 08, 2005 what the hell is going on!!

man what a wierd day this is turning out to be. I am sure some one is playing a cruel joke on me. frist this morning i am sitting at the comp and johnie says that becuz i do not have a car he is breaking up with me . then i find out that he has been talking with some one elsa i know that i am only in to him for his money......... naa i am not in to money at all regaurdless of who it is.

now that is why i am still single and still alone cuz i pick these children with problems. Where are all the good FEM-MEN!! Please e-mail me if u think that i am out of line.

ok now secondly why is it that the applications on line from places like Walmart, Safeway, Mcdonalnd...... and the place i want to work most at Borders. are so fucking long!! 97 pages to work at walmart I mean come on!!

Entry for November 06, 2005

When i woke up this mornming i had a reson to smile again his name is john. I call him johnie. I met him on line last wensday. And yesterday we spend the enire day in downtown baltimore. For 7 hours we laughed and joked and kissed (ooooooo baby what a good kisser he is!!! ) he is soooo charming and so much older and wiser then his 17 years on planet earth. I know i am cooing. I am so smitten. his eyes are wide too the whole world but he has no blinders on.johnnie is like a breath of fresh air to my net speak and thiswhole counter culture turned culture why I* meetppl.

I talked to johnnie about 3 hours today we where supposed to have him up for dinner but fucking jason was to damn lazy to go pic him up. that is ok no more soupfor u (I.E. i amj not doing anythingmore for him.) after last week he told me" o ANYTHING U NEED!!.

back to johnnie. his eyes have seen so much his best friend ding 2 months ago in his arms. his long asorted afiar with his ex b/f who is 35 yo. his sister trying to kill him.

mabey i am just a sucker for punishment but the other thing i did today was call adam. o man what a mistake he thought that we where getting back together. no freeking way he is a child of 22 he has no respect for anyone but him self and he just cares about one person him self. ENOUGH SAID............

*I means the ppl closest to me

pic is of johnie

Entry for November 01, 2005 The First Post

Today I began not to become world fames or infamous. I just some times feel it to be hard to say what I feel. I would ratherwriteit down there might be miss spelling I am sorry for that but hey I graduated the tech school with a d avg.

It has only been 1 week scents Wilma knocked down my town and tore up my shit and life. On Monday the winds where fierce on Tuesday the devastation vast and there in the side of my 1 room was a 4 foot hole the wind had blown in. I was never all that prepared for moving from there. I was there for more then 5 months it was where me and Adam first made love. where I first experimented with Wicca, and sentren, and the power of a higher power. Sure it may have just been a CRAPY MOTEL ROOM to others but well it was my home.

All though out the day I thought long and hard what was I going to do how with out a rain free room was I going to keep this up. I talked to art. Only once scents the storm had hit do to the fact there where nophones and certainly nocell phoneservice.

Notuntil I saw the landlord, a stought over eating Indian with very short legs. did I realize that he said I could stay but he was not going to fix it any time soon. O and the kicker was I needed tostillpay my 200 on Saturday to stay did I say that isit enough. NO MORE . I do realize and have for a longtime that it is not my best trait that I have a die hard will and determination and I will almost never quite even when there was a hole in MY FUCKING ROOF. So much change right at that moment it clicked it was ok to just bow out.

O man did I cry and scream after I had made my dision to come home to Maryland. Florida is my dream place the ppl are for the most part nice I love the Spanish foods and cultures. And most of all the warm weather means I am in much less pain with my knees. In the last few weeks I was some times for getting about them for a day or 2.

Art picked up the phone said" hey babe" in his normal happy to hear from me mood. And I said with tears in my eye "I need to come home, I can't do this shit any more."

As I type this I am welling up with emotion. It has been such a long and strange journey to get to that one life altering moment. Started with willies betrayal and there was the timesleeping in the car and then after that the time in the half way house. Then the bud debocle and then Jared and then ozzy/mike situation. And so on and onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Then I was sure that I got the man of my dreams his nameis Adam. He was not what I would say stable or dependable he is a street kid through and through. He brought with himthe willingnessto forsake all things (INCLUDING ME)just to see that he did not get away from his calling of spiritual healer. He never worked with out complaining and he never saw that I should not have to carry all the wait on my shoulders. All money my money was for the rent house hold thing and his was "FOR THE BUSINESS”. So the story goes that aint going to work!!

Back to last Tuesday all art said was "so come home then" the 4 most beautiful words in the English language I began to cry on the phone with him and we began to try to get me out of there. Now having said that getting out was not going to be easy there was no power and it will be out for weeks to come still. We tried the bus, (they had to have power to print a ticket)no go there, next the train (all Amtrak service was suspended and need power to print ticket) so no go there either. what about flying (same damn thing no power airport closed indefinitely) ok well how about send u money and u drive back and yet againnot many has phone service, the power thing again.

Also there is no gas stations open no power. So I had a half tank of gas. The next morning I drove to Titusville where I had art wire me money........ Drove was 1102 miles thank god there was Sirius radio or I would have lost my mind driving that far alone. I arrived on Thursday night after 8 pm. it feel really good to be home but I still miss my own life when u stay with some one other then lovers!!! U lose a lot of the things I had become accustomed to. I never wore clothes around the house. I very rarely dumped an ashtray (they are really big). I miss staying uptill dawn if I wanted to.

And then of course there was a whole other thing I had to content with Jason perhaps another time I will explain Jason. It has been years scents I had even seen him. We ended ina REALLY bad way. He was 18 hot headed and all.

He is now living with art making it very interesting what if we did not get along what if what we once had was lost....... I was so relived when he answered the door I hugged him with all my might. It was likeSerenitya song that I just fucking love so good so free so full of love and respect. Inext was art we held each other for a long while. I really needed that after all the driving. And all the feelings of loneliness.

I really miss what I had. I know can not again be that far from art who is my only family to speak of. The only one that cared if I lived or died in Florida and everyday I thank god for him

EVERDAY!!